I used to think in my early twenties that I would either make a go of the world, let go of my black and white, good vs. bad thinking, get elbow deep into the muck of the world, or move to Vermont... read more here

Easter Reflection – A Borrowed Heart

As I said in my previous post, it has been a challenging Lent on many fronts (in the grand scheme of things all little stuff, but challenging none the less).  Last night I attended Easter Vigil for the first time with my 10 yr. old son ~K.  He really wanted to go, it was a 2 hour Mass with a candle lit procession.  As beautiful as it was, I found my mind wandering. I thought about what I could fit my 16 week pregnant belly that someone really needs to tell is not 7 months pregnant into for Easter morning Mass and other random thoughts.  Through most of Mass I struggled to keep my focus.

This morning’s Mass started out no different till nearly the end when a little girl around 2 yrs old, a few rows up and across the aisle who was also having a hard time focusing discovered our family and came right over and started playing peek a boo with 2 1/2 yr old ~O.  You just couldn’t not smile and it brought the lightness of joy that my heart was missing.

After communion as I knelt to say a little prayer I thought of my mom who has been gone for 15 years now.  I looked at each of my 6 boys as they sat in the pew and meditated on how she would have loved them had she lived to know them.  Feeling as if I had her heart for just a few moments I loved each one in turn as she would.  I felt her unconditional and near perfect love and then saw the look on their faces when they were so totally validated and appreciated.  It was a love where only their best intentions were assumed.

It was a minute or so of heaven where I forgot myself and loved fully.

I know my boys feel loved by me, but it is a far from perfect love, marred by the ups and downs of each day.   If Jesus could help me do as he did and forget my own selfish motives and needs, I feel certain that a more pure love could spill from my heart.

Today I had a moment to try that heart on, and as costly as it is, I think it may just be worth the price.

Happy Easter!





Forecast – Sunny Weather.

I have struggled this Lent.  Not the least being an extra heaping of exhaustion plus all the taxing accompaniments being pregnant with our 7th child brings.

Like for most of us this has been quite a winter weather wise, so the mild days this past weekend and near 80 degrees on Monday with the grass just starting to turn green was welcome indeed.

And then overnight night this happened:


Such a let down.  A mid April dumping of snow.  We were a grumpy house this morning.

So much can happen in just a few days.

I’ve wondered over the last month and a half why I’ve kept obligations and followed through seemingly in the dark through all the work involved, yet at the end each time the light has shown so brightly on how valuable and worthy my efforts were.  This isn’t always the case.  I don’t always see the fruits of my labor, but this Lent for the most part I have.  Why then do I still not get it?  Still get grumpy or nervous or overwhelmed, and still try methods like complaining which never make me feel better?

Watching the kids this morning get on the bus all bundled up in winter coats and gloves and packed with bulky snow pants that they just want to throw out at this point was disheartening.  Before they left, in an effort to cheer them up I looked up the weather to show them the forecast for the next few days:

imageI tried to reassure them that the snow will melt, it will soon be warm again.

They don’t care, all they see is right now.  Even though I see the warmer temps too, I know how they feel.  It’s hard to believe beyond the moment.

I have been wearing my Mustard Seed Cross this way for Lent:


The cross is turned around and hidden and only the tiny little mustard seed faces out.  It is my reminder throughout Lent to simply hold onto faith as small as it sometimes may be, that ever so tiny, it is enough.

And that is it, that’s all I’ve got.  I’m walking simply and imperfectly with faith on this last week of Lent.

I have no 5 day forecast to convince you with, just the lived trust that good comes from the dark and the cold and the exhausting even when we don’t feel like it can.

Love, love, love,



Waiting on Spring.

  As beautiful as today is I am just aching for spring to make it to Vermont.  Clouds thick as the snow on the ground and bright blue skies. ——————————————- Our sap buckets and other riff raff are just hanging out with trees untapped.  Hopefully sometime this week we’ll put them to their use asContinue Reading

Well Loved…

Today is World Down Syndrome Day.  This post is for my 13 month old son Gus who was born with an extra copy of his 21st chromosome and has Down syndrome. Gus you are so loved by your brothers, your Dad, and me.   You have special moments with each one of us, like when yourContinue Reading

Falling down, falling down, and getting up.

It is the eve of a new year and I am thinking tonight of how imperfect I am, of how often I fail at being the person I want to be, and just how hard life in the every day living often is. We had a harrowing trip back from Massachusetts visiting family this pastContinue Reading

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This morning I sit with 10 month old ~G playing on the floor.  He has been babbling, babababa, a couple of snorts, some dadas.  Then I hear it, “ma”. I try to encourage him and make the sign for mommy while saying “ma ma” and I smile big to let him know he is onContinue Reading

The Year of Faith…

I’ve been letting ~G take his naps in the living room lately.  He and ~O’s nap times do not exactly correlate and if I bring him into the bedroom they share I risk waking ~O up prematurely.  And well it’s peaceful having ~G out here with me. I was doing a little reading as IContinue Reading

My Post for Down Syndrome Awareness Month

I haven’t actually written too much about Gus and his Down syndrome since he’s been born.  He is almost 8 months old.  I have decided in honor of Down syndrome Awareness Month to write a few words about life with him… Gus is not scary.  I don’t say this because other people necessarily think heContinue Reading

Leaning into Life – Cider Making Time

We made two cups of apple cider last night. This weekend was THE weekend for doing this project.  It was make or break.  If we didn’t finish the press then it would be yet another year without cider.  We have had the plans for this cider press for 4 years and each year since weContinue Reading

School’s in and this Mama is alright

We have 4 kids in three different schools this year. These first few weeks I’ve been working on getting my calendar filled with all the important dates, trying to maximize efficiencies in our house while taking care of the littlest guys during the day.  Amidst that framework already a total of 3 kids have stayedContinue Reading

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