**Disclaimer – a view into Lisa’s brain, read at your own risk
Ugh, I am such a freak sometimes. It’s just that when things are going soooo well, well it just feels like it can’t last. Not that things are “perfect” in my universe, but I am enormously blessed and know it.
So, on that note, two mornings ago while laying in bed I was looking at Kevin’s mole covered back and spotted one that didn’t look quite right (irregular shape and coloring with a dark spot in the middle). I then checked out photos of moles online and insisted he see the Dr. to get it checked. None of this was too bad behavior. It was the planning in my mind for his demise and everything else that entails, that was, well lets just say a “little” over the top.
I wish that it wasn’t in my personality to jump to the very worst conclusion as a self defense mechanism. I really am working on it. I prayed and prayed for the last two days for faith to keep those unhealthy thoughts away. Sometimes it worked and at other times in quiet moments (yes I do occasionally have a quiet moment), they crept in.
Kevin had his Dr. appt. this morning and the Dr.(well nurse practitioner) said that the mole looked similar to his other moles and didn’t have signs such as itching, bleeding, etc. She felt it looked fine and just said to keep an eye on it. I’m still not totally convinced and will check his back again, then take a photo and measure it for future comparison when he gets home. After that I will try to put it out of my mind.
It’s just that I know how things can go from everyday normal to nightmare in a heartbeat. I have 4 years of my mother’s cancer and eventual passing under my belt. I have trained myself to hope for the best and yet make damn sure I am prepared for the worst.
The problem with this logic is that the angst it produces over what could happen eats up the brightness of my ordinary day to day activities, as well as future plans, hopes, dreams.
I need to let it go, have faith, and enjoy.
Basically, stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and just
Yesterday was -V’s last day of sharing in kindergarten.
“Sharing Day” -otherwise known as “Show and Tell” is -V’s favorite day of the week. He decided for his last one to share his Dad and his Dad’s trumpet. It was so sweet.
Notice brother -K on daddy’s lap and -C toddling around. -V is sporting a crown he had just made in class, it was a little too big
Kevin took the older 2 boys out today while the younger two were sleeping. He went to the garden store to buy some plants. With a couple of solitary hours on my hands I thought about folding laundry, doing dishes, cleaning, and catching up.
What I did was much better than any of that.
I took a watercolor I made about 15 years ago and cut it to pieces.
I hung it up and pondered.
I’ve struggled with outward displays of my inner faith like hanging a crucifix and such, but this piece seems to make sense to me. I can look at it and remember to let go of my need for control and trust God.
It may not look like much, but the simplicity of it really works for me.
Four years ago on our anniversary I awoke to find this modest tree sitting on our little paver style patio at the seaside aptartment we rented with a card in its branches.
What made this gift from Kevin so special was that it was the type of tree we had always admired at our first apartment. Our first apartment was part of a 36 unit building circa 1930 or so and full of old fashioned charm and character. I lived there alone for 4 years before I met Kevin and then we lived there together for another 4 years (our son -V also spent his first year there).
It was a U shaped building with a courtyard in the center. Our place sat at the bottom of the U and when you looked out the kitchen window you would see these two big old hydrangea’s framing the walkway. They boasted white fragrant flowers in summer and in the fall when the flowers dried up they became a beautiful shimmering pink. I used to love to pick them (white or pink) and decorate our living space with them.
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