Monthly Archives: November 2009

Sharing the ride

Can I just say that when I feel the very best, true, most “rightness” in my life is when I let go of the things I hold most tightly.
It’s like when my husband Kevin first moved in with me. After living alone for 4 years it was so hard to give him any of my space. It took quite a while and some uncomfortable moments for me to realize that the more I let him and his things into the space the more it felt like us and not just me, which ultimately is what I wanted.

The other day I came upstairs to work for a bit, -C was going to use some watercolors while I did some work on the computer. Instead he insisted that I paint too. So we painted. -C made a rainbow on his paper and I attempted to paint him as he moved about. I thought my attempt at his portrait not too shabby for a quick painting.

Then -C said he wanted to “add” to it.

I’ll admit I paused for a moment before I handed his portrait over to him.
He then proceded to draw a swirling blue line in marker across it.
He looked quite pleased with himself and announced it finished.

And well… he was right it was. It wasn’t what I had planned, but we had collaborated, it was more than what it was when it was only “mine”.

Letting go of what I think the definition of right is, letting someone else in, opening up to possibility, being in communion with others…

I think that is the beauty of my life at almost 38, truly embracing that it just isn’t all about me. Somehow it’s such a relief.

~Lisa

Thank you…

from my journal April 28th 2005

Well I feel a little freaked out tonight about the whole moving thing. It is so scary. Kev. talked to Jean tonight and she said that now she and Andy are going to look into moving to VT in September.

I’m just a little afraid of leaving my family and being surrounded by Kevin’s. Though that has been his life here I know. I just feel a little scared.

I am trying, trying to remember that home is wherever I am, that I will still be me up in VT. It’s hard to get a handle on all the people I love and how I will continue lasting relationships with them. I am so scared that by moving away I will become irrelevant to people. That I will disappear, that I will die in their eyes. I am so scared tonight.

I try to remind myself of my mom and that even though it has been 6 years since she left living I still love her so much, that in death she still lives and that I can take my love for her anywhere (it is so portable). I just hope it will work with the living.

I just don’t want to be obsolete, written off. I want to still matter in people’s lives.

Oh God please help me with this.

today November 4th 2009

After reading what I wrote 4 1/2 years ago I just wanted to say …thank you.

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