I used to think in my early twenties that I would either make a go of the world, let go of my black and white, good vs. bad thinking, get elbow deep into the muck of the world, or move to Vermont... read more here

Being Grateful – even at the scariest times.

“BGR8FUL” -  I wonder how many people this license plate touches each day?  Do you ever see a license plate number or name that totally speaks to you in the moment you are in?  This one was just right for my moment today…

I was driving to my 19 week ultrasound appointment.  Kevin was following me in his car so he could leave straight for work after the appointment was over.  We were going to find out the sex of our 6th child.  The thought of a possible girl was exciting and scary, but mostly I was thinking about the baby’s health.

At our 8 week ultrasound there were some issues, I got “the talk” from one of the high risk Dr.’s about chromosonal abnormalities and if I wanted further testing etc.  I declined, knowing that we would accept this baby no matter what.  So this ultrasound would give us a little more info.  I wasn’t nervous as much as ready in one way or another for something big.

I was listening to my favorite radio station KLOVE.  It is a listener supported national station and this week is their pledge drive.   Just before turning the corner to head up to the hospital the DJ’s were talking about a man named Kevin who had turned his life over to God and one of the DJ’s said “Kevin is going to heaven”.  This struck me because when my husband Kevin and I first started dating, I was so thankful for this quizzical guy in my life and would say in my head in a childish way (a way I would have been embarrassed to say to him) “Kevin from heaven”.

So my ears were perked.  The DJ then listed off the names of people who had just pledged to their fundraising goals and they said “Lisa and Valerie” from such and such a state.  Well my moms’ name was Valerie and to hear our names together again made her feel so close.   I thought about what she would have to say to me today.  A lot has gone on in my life in the 13 years since she left earth.  I cried a bit and then noticed the license plate of the car in front of me.

It said:  BGR8FUL

It was a direct message to me I couldn’t ignore and pledged in my heart that no matter what happened in the ultrasound, I would be grateful.

The ultrasound itself was about and hour long, we found out we were having another boy (WOW) and that their is a very good chance (as in 1 in 3) that he will have Down Syndrome.

We decided to take a blood test (it’s new and very non invasive) that is 99.4 percent accurate in telling us if he truly will have Down Syndrome or not.  Like knowing if this baby was a girl or boy, I just wanted a little prep time for my spirit.  In 2-14 days we will have our answer pretty much definitively.

Kevin and I talked for a few minutes in the parking garage afterward.  I wanted to connect with him a little about this big possibility before he left to go to work.  I told him that I wanted to be excited for this new little person no matter what and that I was so very thankful that the baby didn’t have any health issues that would put him in pain (though I hope we would deal with that possibility with faith too) and that I just wanted to love this little guy, get to know him as his own individual self apart from any diagnosis, delay, or differences.

I just want to love him, trust in the path of our lives and above all be GRATEFUL for all the amazing blessings God has given to us.  Part of me feels like “Shouldn’t I be crushed?, Scared?, Feel like my life is over?” and that faith is just plain crazy in this circumstance.

The peace I feel in my heart tells me it’s right though.  We knew each and every birth that this was a possibility.  This baby IS a blessing not matter how different he may turn out to be, and it may just be those very differences that bless us and our other boys lives the most.

I cast aside the thoughts that I am being naive and instead am living in the moment.  If we take it day by day, moment by moment, year by year, then there will be no time for fear to sets its’ soul destructing talons upon us.

Will update this with the test results when we find out.  Either way I am grateful for life and this new life inside.

Love Love Love

~Lisa

P.S. If you know my dad please don’t mention this to him.  I don’t want to worry him unnecessarily.  We’ll know for sure in a couple of weeks and if it is definitive then we’ll tell him.   So why am I telling you?  Well I want you to know my thoughts before it’s all real.  I feel like they are more full of faith this way in case our blessing does not have Downs Syndrome and a reminder of faith for me if he does…

 

 

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12 Responses to Being Grateful – even at the scariest times.

  1. Elise says:

    I went through that with William. {{{hugs}}} And you are an amazing mother, wife and friend.

    I am lucky to know you.

    Elise

  2. Sheryl Widberg says:

    You are very blessed!

  3. Sara says:

    Your words and faith are beautiful! Love and prayers sending your way!

  4. Maria says:

    Hi Lisa everything will turn out the way it should God Bless you and congratulations :)

  5. Maureen says:

    {hugs}. Xoxo

  6. Kathy says:

    Hi Lisa, just read your thoughts…our prayers are with you. Your faith is amazing and inspiring. Love you all, Kathy

  7. Ellen says:

    Lisa,

    Congratulations and good luck with this pregnancy. Your thoughts are so and words are beautiful. I have a nephew that was born with Downs Syndrome about a year ago and I remember that as we were all getting ready to welcome him in to the family, we read some great books and learned as much as we could. One author said it so well when they explained how they felt when they found out that they were having a child with downs syndrome. I remember that they compared it to getting on a plane thinking they were going to one country, when they found out mid flight that they were headed to a different country. It wasn’t that the new country was bad, just that it was different than they expected. They had to buy all new guidebooks, etc etc.

    I thought that was such an interesting way of explaining it.

    In any case, my beautiful nephew was born almost a year ago today and he is so sweet, amazing, and happy. After my brother and sister in law saw him and held him and looked into those sweet eyes, all of the nervousness that they had during pregnancy melted away. I love how you are living in the moment and appreciating life’s unexpected blessings. That is wonderful because your boys will take that piece of you into their lives as they grow up. They will be amazing people because of it.

    Be Well!
    Ellen

    • Lisa says:

      Thank you Ellen for your words of encouragement and for sharing with me about your nephew. I’m still waiting to hear what land we are traveling to though I trust that it will be exactly where we are meant to go.

      Love you friend.
      ~Lisa

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