I have struggled this Lent. Not the least being an extra heaping of exhaustion plus all the taxing accompaniments being pregnant with our 7th child brings.
Like for most of us this has been quite a winter weather wise, so the mild days this past weekend and near 80 degrees on Monday with the grass just starting to turn green was welcome indeed.
And then overnight night this happened:
Such a let down. A mid April dumping of snow. We were a grumpy house this morning.
So much can happen in just a few days.
I’ve wondered over the last month and a half why I’ve kept obligations and followed through seemingly in the dark through all the work involved, yet at the end each time the light has shown so brightly on how valuable and worthy my efforts were. This isn’t always the case. I don’t always see the fruits of my labor, but this Lent for the most part I have. Why then do I still not get it? Still get grumpy or nervous or overwhelmed, and still try methods like complaining which never make me feel better?
Watching the kids this morning get on the bus all bundled up in winter coats and gloves and packed with bulky snow pants that they just want to throw out at this point was disheartening. Before they left, in an effort to cheer them up I looked up the weather to show them the forecast for the next few days:
They don’t care, all they see is right now. Even though I see the warmer temps too, I know how they feel. It’s hard to believe beyond the moment.
I have been wearing my Mustard Seed Cross this way for Lent:
The cross is turned around and hidden and only the tiny little mustard seed faces out. It is my reminder throughout Lent to simply hold onto faith as small as it sometimes may be, that ever so tiny, it is enough.
And that is it, that’s all I’ve got. I’m walking simply and imperfectly with faith on this last week of Lent.
I have no 5 day forecast to convince you with, just the lived trust that good comes from the dark and the cold and the exhausting even when we don’t feel like it can.
Love, love, love,