As I said in my previous post, it has been a challenging Lent on many fronts (in the grand scheme of things all little stuff, but challenging none the less). Last night I attended Easter Vigil for the first time with my 10 yr. old son ~K. He really wanted to go, it was a 2 hour Mass with a candle lit procession. As beautiful as it was, I found my mind wandering. I thought about what I could fit my 16 week pregnant belly that someone really needs to tell is not 7 months pregnant into for Easter morning Mass and other random thoughts. Through most of Mass I struggled to keep my focus.
This morning’s Mass started out no different till nearly the end when a little girl around 2 yrs old, a few rows up and across the aisle who was also having a hard time focusing discovered our family and came right over and started playing peek a boo with 2 1/2 yr old ~O. You just couldn’t not smile and it brought the lightness of joy that my heart was missing.
After communion as I knelt to say a little prayer I thought of my mom who has been gone for 15 years now. I looked at each of my 6 boys as they sat in the pew and meditated on how she would have loved them had she lived to know them. Feeling as if I had her heart for just a few moments I loved each one in turn as she would. I felt her unconditional and near perfect love and then saw the look on their faces when they were so totally validated and appreciated. It was a love where only their best intentions were assumed.
It was a minute or so of heaven where I forgot myself and loved fully.
I know my boys feel loved by me, but it is a far from perfect love, marred by the ups and downs of each day. If Jesus could help me do as he did and forget my own selfish motives and needs, I feel certain that a more pure love could spill from my heart.
Today I had a moment to try that heart on, and as costly as it is, I think it may just be worth the price.