I’ve been a bit grumpy, tired, blob like, and out of necessity pared down and focused. You are likely to find me laying on the floor while our youngest Mr. ~G (17 months) does his little pivot butt motion that he has discovered gets him quickly wherever he wants or he may be using his new “traveling” powers to traverse the landscape of couches, chairs, and walls. He is getting gloriously and frighteningly close to walking. Yes, I am slowing down at 29 weeks pregnant with our 7th son as Mr. ~G is getting quite zippy!
Just getting Mr. G’s diaper changed is like running a marathon. He doesn’t want to pivot over to me as I cloyingly call to him with diaper and wipes in hand. He knows better by now, but quite frankly I am dangerously close to feeling cemented to the floor by the weight of this new child I am growing. Sometimes one of the older boys will take pity on me and bring Mr. ~G to me so I can catch a chubby leg and tackle him down till he is clean again.
Right now the smallest things take such effort. I still have over two months till this newest little fella makes his way from my belly to the world, and I just want to yell “no fair no fair!”.
With limited fuel in my tank, each day my main focus is these six kiddos, feeding them, making sure they are relatively clean, sometimes entertained, engaged in participating in the household necessities of living in our large family, and above all that they each feel uniquely and fully loved.
Many days lately all this has felt beyond me. My energy level just isn’t there. I feel a bit pathetic and think of the things I miss. I’m not going to list them here, honestly I think it would be counter productive, but there are many things as many of you know that are put aside when you have young children and/or are pregnant and I’ve had young children for 12 years now, and been pregnant for almost 7 of them.
In this quite limited sphere I have felt uninspired to write or even let one stroke of paint fall on the blank canvas that has been sitting in my studio for months now. Plans for a redesigned website for Little Lisa Studios go no farther than the planning stage and then the re-planning stage. I’m feeling stuck into a very tiny, albeit very important role.
It is in this state I have visited Facebook, normally a domain of joy and sharing, that when I feel stuck becomes something quite different. The job you busted your butt working towards, your promotion, your new degree, new job, all these great things I really want to rejoice in for you, instead make me question my life and its’ importance.
It’s not Facebook’s fault, (though it does seem easier and more pervasive than before), I did the same sort of comparison when I was 21 and had just finished college. I was ready to take on the world, or at least become the art teacher I had studied to be. Instead I substitute taught by day and worked at a local convenience store by night. It was not an easy period of time for me, I constantly felt the pressure of what “everyone else” was doing. When I finally recognized that “everyone else” was not me, I started to feel ok in my own skin again. I accepted that life sometimes takes times and my life apparently did.
How do I deal with Facebook comparing today? I try to take little breaks from checking my newsfeed, a day or two so I can truly “be” in my non virtual world and love it for what it is again before I sneak a peek into yours.
I have many many many blessings in my life. I won’t list them here, but I am certain that we all do if we care to look close enough. My blessings may not look anything like yours and vice versa…
And my challenges may not look anything thing like yours. No matter how hard I kick and scream through them, it is the challenges in my life that have forced me into the person I am today.
So I encourage us all to own our struggles, they are, though it is often hard to see, our own unique blessings. Curl the weight of those struggles like the world is your gym and biceps your soul.
Go forth each day knowing that your kind word will help that butterfly fly stronger or that tree grow taller. It doesn’t matter if that butterfly already has it all going on being able to fly or that the tree is already wicked tall and your just an ant. Be the ant!
Here Saint Therese says it way more eloquently than me:
“I understood that every flower created by Him is beautiful, that the brilliance of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not lessen the perfume of the violet or the sweet simplicity of the daisy. I understood that if all the lowly flowers wished to be roses, nature would no longer be enamelled with lovely hues. And so it is in the world of souls, Our lord’s living garden.”
― Thérèse de Lisieux
Love y’all and congratulations on all your new jobs, promotions, etc. and solidarity to you if you are feeling a bit less than and stuck, us ants are important to the garden too!